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Original article found at:
http://www.gutshot.com/e/article.php?full=90&limitb=0&limitt=10&show=s&ckbox=k&search=funny
Chairman of the bored
In cyberspace no one can hear you scream…but they can read
it though! At the poker tables, chat boxes are crawling with knit pickers,
moaners and barking dogs. As the insults fly back and forth across the virtual
barricades I often feel I’ve been transported back to junior school. One day
I’ll type in ‘My dad’s bigger than your dad’ …that’ll show ‘em! Don’t get me
wrong, some of it can be very funny but most of it is just the aggressive drivel
of witless idiots, doing their money and calling everyone names. I’m bored with
it all…’I’m chairman of the bored’.
I was playing in a smallish online cash game with three other players, all of
them new to me and to my knowledge, new to the site. We were playing pot limit
Omaha and after a few hands, a flop gave me an open ended straight draw (not the
crown jewels, I know, but hey…). Talvod bet the pot, the other guy passed, I
called. The turn brought me a King high flush draw and 15 outs. He bet the pot
and I called. I made my flush on the river, bet half the pot and he called
showing his flopped trip 10’s.
Talvod; You useless **** I want to ******* crush you ****
Yoshimi (me); Talvod…be a nice now
Talvod; You’re so ******* bad!
Barros; Hey Talvod, Yoshimi farts in your general direction!
Talvod; **** Barros **** sucker
Now this kind of nonsense went on for another twenty minutes and none of it will
come as a shock to anyone who’s spent more than a week playing online.
Eventually I took the rest of Talvod’s cash when he bet into my nut flush draw
and I got lucky, hitting runner, runner for a full house on the river. At this
Talvod went ballistic (I know…you’ve got to laugh). A torrent of abuse spewed
forth from his angry little fingertips as he told me how awful my call was on
the flop.
I rarely get caught up in these little wars as I think it has a negative effect
on my game. Afterwards, I was smiling to myself as I pictured Talvod, bashing
away on his keyboard, pulling his hair out and kicking the cat. He’d threatened
to do unspeakable things to everyone at the table and seemed to think that if he
bet the flop, we were all supposed to fold.
Compared to live games, the online wars make even the roughest of B&M card-rooms
seem quite gentile. Apart from the obvious reasons for conflict and the fact
that the nutters can say what the hell they want without any danger of physical
reprisals, there are a lot of cross cultural barriers to overcome too…like sense
of humour…The irony that is entrenched in English wit just gets lost on a carrot
cruncher in Germany or Colorado. When someone says ‘Nice hand’ the general poker
rule translates this as ‘What a pile of crap, how could you call with that and
hit that miracle on the river you lucky pallooka!’
Online, however, I notice that it’s now being used in its literal sense all the
time by newbies who are just being nice and don’t understand its normal place in
poker speak. I flop quads, somehow manage to get paid off and someone says “NH
Yoshimi”. To make light of it, I’ve taken to replying with, “All my own work!
Thank you”. Recently, someone else at the table came back at me with “All your
own work? You lucked out that’s all ****sucker!”…I mean…how do you reply to that
one?
Yes, I know I can switch off the chat if I’m that bored with it all. The only
trouble with that, is that you’re giving up the right to possibly valuable
information if you do and that can’t be a good idea. No, I guess we’ll just have
to live with it. We can all keep calling with 15 outs the Talvod’s can go on
screaming and shouting when we hit. Seems fair to me…
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